You don't have to overcome all this mess, you just have to exist
Plus: Santa, Jesus, Spider-Man, and Aeroplanes Over the Sea
BREAKING: Father proud of son
When my son Charlie was about eight years old, he dreamed or daydreamed - can’t remember which - about Santa and Jesus being brothers. Jesus is older. And when Jesus was about to be crucified, Jesus told Santa to leave town for his own safety. Jesus explained that he wanted his birthday celebrated forever by everyone ELSE getting presents, a wish that Santa carries out to this day.
Charlie and I finally wrote up this story for McSweeney’s. It was an honor and a joy to share a byline with Charlie in a publication for which I’ve been writing since shortly before Charlie was born.
You can’t get good at living through trauma. Sorry!
So… I’ve seen things. In life, I mean. I’ve been through stuff that has been, to vastly understate it, awful. If you’ve read my book or followed my work for a while, you know what some of that is but even then, not all of it. Stuff that has put lines on my face before those lines should have arrived. Stuff that has given me wisdom that, on balance, I would have rather not had to earn in that way. Stuff that is unbearable.
And what did I do? I bore it. Because I had no choice. Perhaps you have been in this situation as well. If you’re reading this, chances are pretty good for that.
And sometimes during or after those periods, well-meaning friends have said something to the effect of “I don’t know how you do it. I couldn’t handle it if it happened to me.”
This used to make me quite cross. Because, for one thing, I don’t know how I do it either and I don’t think I really am handling it. Sure doesn’t feel like it. And secondly, there is an assertion in that sentiment, however well-intended, that there is skill in any of this. As if now that you have gone through trauma, you are imbued with coping abilities you never had before. Like Spider-Man.
And, no. Of course no. Are you kidding? No. In reality, Peter Parker gets bitten by that radioactive spider and he doesn’t develop powers, he just has a huge spider bite that gets infected while radiation poisoning spreads through his body and he barely survives. (Imagine if all trauma survivors got that web zapping ability as God’s apology gift immediately afterward!)
Anyway, I’ve been thinking about that “you’re so brave” sentiment (again, they mean well, these foolish people) versus the reality of just incompetently pushing through because that’s just what happens next. The only superpower being a slowly reducing ignorance level. And I’ve been thinking of it in regard to covid.
Our society has been traumatized by a deadly virus and, in America’s case, by a government that actually is supposed to do something but has chosen to let people die instead. It’s a double whammy. It’s your ship sinking and then seeing the rescue boat explode.
If you have been through some heavy shit in your own life, it’s worth remembering how you were forced to address that situation: you just… existed. I don’t even want to say you got through it because that implies you emerged from the other side and for the really heavy shit, there is no other side. It’s just living. If you developed some helpful tools along the way, bravo, but it’s more or less a matter of simply being.
Those who have had a pleasant life ride for the most part, you may have thought there is some trick, some talent, some hidden ability that will help all of this get solved somehow. I’m here to tell you there isn’t. Several vaccines are arriving but they don’t raise the 290,000+ who have died and they don’t wipe clean the horrific memories our doctors and nurses have seen. This happened and always will have happened.
In regard to coping with covid and the shared PTSD that is to follow, you’re not doing it wrong. There is no right way to do it. I’d argue there isn’t even a way to do it. You just exist. See? You’re already nailing it. Sorry and congratulations?
Whoof! That last item was intense! Here, wind down with this
I do not know who Frank Watkinson is beyond his being a British guy on YouTube. Somehow this cover of a Neutral Milk Hotel song surfaced and I listened and oh my goodness. It’s very beautiful and made me feel the meaning of the song like I never had before. I think you’ll like listening to this.
Frank has a ton of songs on his channel, originals and covers from Death Cab for Cutie, Tom Waits, Bright Eyes, and more. And Slipknot?!
I mean, Rose couldn’t very well save the Titanic
Farhad Manjoo writes in the New York Times about the coming fourth wave of covid, the trauma and mental health issues that are already dangerously widespread and underserved. Here on Do You Mind, we’ve been talking about that for a while.
Because the mental health system will not be able to take care of many people who are in need, the experts I spoke to offered a variety of well-meaning strategies for people to maintain their mental well-being this season. None of it will be new to people who have dealt with serious mental health problems: Eat well, sleep well, maintain social connections, spend time outside in the sun and get a lot of exercise, which has been shown to provide significant improvements for a range of mental health problems.
Advice like this may be helpful to some, but it is also woefully insufficient. Like telling people to car pool and turn down the thermostat to defeat climate change, it shifts responsibility for addressing a crisis from the systemic level to the individual and will almost certainly not be adequate for the people most in need.
Also reminds me of little articles that offer money-saving tips through self-denial when the real problem can only be addressed by a fair and equitable economy that doesn’t drain the blood from the poorer classes to fund the wealthy and powerful.
Are you familiar with Emily McDowell's Empathy cards? My favorite is 'Please let me be the first to punch the next person who tells you everything happens for a reason,' which - while not EXACTLY 'you're so brave' is pretty dang similar.