I’ll keep this short.
I’ve always had very mixed feelings about why I do the kind of work I do. Talking about writing books and speaking into microphones and going on stages.
Because on the one hand, I know deep in my heart that it’s for the wrong reasons. I crave the approval of strangers in order to generate a facsimile of the approval I can’t provide for myself. If left alone, I turn on me. That’s because of the chronic mental condition I have. I can treat that depression and feel fine but the “I suck” is buried down there deep and it’s more a matter of managing it than getting rid of it. And the applause or good reviews or nice notes from audiences, that feels great.
On the other hand, that kind of front-facing work is stuff I’ve always been pretty good at. I could turn a phrase or read a line from an early age just as some people can throw a perfect spiral forward pass in football. Or run fast. I couldn’t throw a ball well or run fast. So the path of being a stranger-approval sponge made sense in all sorts of way. Plus, I love it. There’s something extraordinary, something magic about creating something and having it become a part of people’s lives. And getting a laugh? Oof. It’s like having angels in your heart.
All that said, it’s been a tough year. The Hilarious World of Depression book being published was a joy and a success. The pain of having The Hilarious World of Depression podcast get canceled (combined with the sharper pain of holding my tongue about so many things having to do with that). And being unemployed during a pandemic was no box of donuts. On top of that, there’s the process of finding a new place to work in a media industry that is always going broke and bonkers. Bronkers. I think I have something on track now. I hope to announce it soon, chiefly so people will stop worrying about me. I also have a big new project coming out with a longtime collaborator of mine, look for that here on Substack.
Still, overall, 2020 was more of a bad year than a good one. A few months ago, I decided to give the newsletter a try, more as an experiment than anything. I wanted to see how much of a commitment it took and if anyone would actually sign up.
Shockingly, the answers were: not much and a lot. A ton of people signed up for this thing and I’ve received the nicest feedback. Especially, surprisingly, among neighbors. I guess listening to a podcast or buying/reading a book can be daunting, especially when you know the murky waters of my chosen subject matter but this is just email, really, so it’s easier. I love writing this thing and it puts a spring in my step that people are finding it useful.
I hope you have a wonderful Christmas if you observe it and a lovely Friday if you don’t.